Monday, May 10, 2010

A Motherless Day


I've been motherless for the last four years and Mother's Day is probably the day that I miss my mother the most. Growing up we weren't close. We were never friends. In fact, from as far back as I can remember through my early 20's, if you'd asked, I would have said I hated her. And I would have meant it. It took a few years of counseling and a divorce (on my part) to understand her. To see her life through her eyes. She grew up with a mother that was mean and a dad that was not home as he was usually out on the farm. Also, she spent most of her life either depressed, in pain, or both. She lived with pelvic pain the same way I did. She went through many surgeries to fix her health issues, but she was always in pain. To say she was cranky would have been an understatement. She was mean too. I was afraid of her, as were my sisters and my brother. In my late 20's and early 30's, she became a non-issue for me. I ignored her for the most part, except at family gatherings where I was friendly, but we weren't friends. About 10 years before she died, my dad spend a couple of weeks in the hospital suffering from serious heart problems. Mom stayed with me and for the first time, she was able to show a kinder, softer side. She was afraid and worried about my dad and yet, was pleasant to be around. It was probably the first time in my life I'd ever seen her vulnerable. Then, when my son was a pre-schooler and I was recovering from gall bladder removal surgery, we started becoming friends. She came and stayed with me for a week to help me out. At that time I think I was still trying to figure her out. However, it was not until she was in her 60s that we became close. Not close like best friends, but where I wanted to call her and see how she was doing. Just close enough to where I looked forward to her visits. Three years before she died at the age of 71, I had the privilege of having her and my dad stay with me for nearly 2 weeks while wildfires ravaged the mountaintops where they lived. They had no idea if they would have a home to go to or not. That time is when we really became friends. I think it was the strength she showed when I would have just worried and been afraid for what I was losing. She was grateful for everything that she still had. With her courage, she gained my respect. I am so grateful that we were able to be friends before cancer took her life. So on Mother's Day, while I will be motherless for the rest of my life, I'm grateful that I had my mother in my life and that I was finally able to love her.

13 comments:

  1. Our stories are similar - I can so relate! We ended up friends too!

    Thanks for sharing!

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  2. I'm glad you and your mom eventually settled your differences. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Sherrill, what a lovely and brave remembrance of your mother. I read your blog all the time and rarely post a comment, but this entry moved me, made me grateful for my relationship with my mother, and it also reminded me not to take things for granted, which is all to easy. Thank you.

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  4. I agree with the previous post. I am happy that in the end you were able to enjoy your mom. Thanks for posting such a personal story. I can so relate to your story

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing that, Sherril. Sadly, not all of us grew up with warm and fuzzy moms. While I have given up hope that my mother and I will ever be close, I am so happy for you that you finally were. Hugs.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this, Sherril. My husband has a similar relationship with is mom. She is almost 73 and not well. I don't know if they'll ever get over their differences and become friends before she's gone but I have hope! It's funny because she is one of my best friends! I think there is too much "stuff" from his childhood. I'm so glad you were able to repair your relationship with your mom!

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  7. Thank you for sharing this story about a rocky relationship with your mom. Not all of us have an idyllic, iconic mom and it's nice to know we can find a way to have a relationship with her anyway.

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  8. What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.

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  9. I think it is brave of you to tell the truth. All mother-daughter relationships aren't perfect. I have a similar story, sort of, about my dad. We finally became close, but then he started drinking again and ruined it.
    Thank you for your story.

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  10. That was very touching and so brave of you to share such an intimate part of your life. I'm glad that you now have some pleasant memories of your mother to keep close to your heart. Thanks for sharing.

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. Girl you weren't kidding...wow. Thanks for sharing and so glad you got to that point...

    hey got a new (1960's) sewing machine...totally heavy duty - love it and it works so good...making my pears as we speak...

    xo
    tina

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  13. I'm glad you worked things out with your mother before she passed on. My mother and I weren't very close either, but as we got older, things got better.

    Marilyn D.

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